Why are we doing this when we could be doing—that? BEHOLD THE ADEPT! HE WHO HAS mastered the ancient art of milk pouring while spinning on a stool. And I know what you're thinking: Must. Have. Exquisite. Milk-Spinning Stool. NOW! Never mind the lockdown, there's no need to leave home! You can be an armchair … Continue reading Equivalent Amounts of Effort
What white people talk about when they talk about racism... ... We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; And we have done those things which we ought not to have done; And there is no health in us ... —from the order for Morning Prayer, Book of Common Prayer, 1662 … Continue reading No Health in Us
... with help from my mom's new sofa SO I'M SITTING ON MY BALCONY WITH A friend of my friend. The friend of my friend is black, and as we small-talk each other he tells me that he's Canadian, having been born here of parents who emigrated here from Jamaica. This seems totally right and … Continue reading Conservatives finally broke the world…
A masterclass in procrastination Cinnamon Rolls WAKING UP ON MY SOFA THIS MORNING, fully-clothed and irradiated by apocalyptic levels of over-enthusiastic sunlight, is the somewhat unpleasant start to my day. You may think that's because I would naturally want to wake up in bed, which is correct. But the sofa is my bed; the unpleasant … Continue reading Tax Delinquent!
lost: a few nuts randomly buried under the Statue of Fuckery WHATEVER YOU POST IN AN INTERNET FORUM, no matter how bat-shit insane or obviously fueled by malice, becomes instantly and indisputably true, provided you make your case with the absolute conviction of a Supreme Court justice and the fire and brimstone of a born-again … Continue reading A Case of Dementia in Squirrels
the morning after the U.S. mid-terms is one big macaroni picture Well, well, well, America. Aren’t we full of surprises. You little freckle-faced rascals! You’ve done something good. You’ve made a start on redeeming yourself; made a little wobbly-oopsy baby-step towards taking America from a state of total insanity back to the regular, day-to-day state … Continue reading Don’t Drop the Democracy
CDC Creeps Out Internet With Horrific Viral Post The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have tweeted a photo of a muffin that has ruined muffins for everybody. Trumpticks, with their tiny minds and even twinier hwands, can totally spoil your day should you accidentally ingest some of their toxic ideas, which have been … Continue reading Can You Spot All Eight Trump Ticks On This Muffin?
I mean, normally that's YOUR job, gentle and misguided reader. But I'll give you the day off from following my EULA to the very letter. You deserve this not for any action on your part - puhLEEEASE! - but because I have triumphed over the forces of darkness that have been swirling around my ankles … Continue reading Planting little kisses all over my face in the mirror…
October 26, 2049 TRUMPINGTON, D.C.: The world is reeling today after results of the largest IQ test in history reveal what many of us had long suspected: Americans are so bag-of-rocks dumb, you could pour a case of vodka down their throats and they'd STILL wonder “why people called their mom 'crack ho' when she'd never … Continue reading Breaking news: Americans are even BIGGER dumb-ass motherfuckin’ retards than anyone thought!