Previous posts

Joy to the World, Unless You’re Dead

In which case, congratulations Merry Coronadays, readers! Are you dead yet? No? What’s holding you up, and what can I do to encourage you? Because the latest stats show that you should be, with a standard deviation of ±3 percentage points. Get with the program and do your part, so everyone can be right about … Continue reading Joy to the World, Unless You’re Dead

Ministress of Silky Sheen

Plus: Where the fuck is Kamala Oojamacallit? CANADIAN FINANCE MINISTER, Deputy Prime Minister in a pinch, something to do with Alberta for a couple of days but it didn’t work out, Justin Trudeau's Official BFF Next to Sophie-Grégoire, and Dry-Cleaning Picker-Upper without portfolio Chrystia Freeland delivered her budget speech on April 19, 2021, after performing … Continue reading Ministress of Silky Sheen

Serious Two-Bite Brownie Habit

it helps me forget how awful we've become 1. Awful Sex I'M SUFFERING TODAY FROM Eine-kleine-schokolade-kuchen-schade, the bewildered, shmooshed-together feelings of shame, hopelessness and despair I experience walking home from the corner store, having purchased a pack of "Two-Bite Brownies" for later, mindful delectation. But I am desperately empty now and I eat them en … Continue reading Serious Two-Bite Brownie Habit

Aubade du vieux désagréable / (Morning Song of the Horrible Old Man)

Just - desserts... I’m old, I’m bold,Unnaturally cold,I won’t behave as I’ve been told. My greasy dishes fill the sink—I’d rather dally with a twink. Parquet burnt with cigarettesWon’t get me listed in Debrett’s Kawartha ice cream by the quartIs felony, but not a tort I sleep till noon and mock your ethic:Wage slavery is … Continue reading Aubade du vieux désagréable / (Morning Song of the Horrible Old Man)

The Limits of Funny and the Whiteness of Money

Dave Chappelle’s shameful trans bashing might be “humor that was never intended for white audiences anyway.” Except even then, it’s just shameful trans bashing. Full confession: I haven’t watched Dave Chappelle’s Netflix special, “The Closer.” And I don’t intend to. As a gay man who’s known he was gay from the age of eight, believe me, I’ve had … Continue reading The Limits of Funny and the Whiteness of Money

Saint Catherine Speaks Candidly to Saint Cecilia on the Occasion of Their Single Foray Into Town Together on Market Wednesday

We make art because life is an affliction a fatal accident, frame by framea flaming vehicle screaming jesusbecause life is an iron maiden manglingwith twenty twisting augers, heaven's marauding tenant killing with one casual crush of a thumb because there is no hope except we midwife something not of fleshthus impervious to painAnd so we … Continue reading Saint Catherine Speaks Candidly to Saint Cecilia on the Occasion of Their Single Foray Into Town Together on Market Wednesday

Dollarama Wildflowers

The seeds are as tiny as poppy seeds, even tinier, like specks of dust, packaged in a homely, large-economy-size type box. I would say it is roughly the size of a box of Cow Brand Baking Soda. It’s called “Wildflower Mix” and it’s an impulse purchase from my local Dollarama, the twenty-first century equivalent of Woolworth’s, … Continue reading Dollarama Wildflowers

Alice Munro’s Kraft Dinner

Something's afoot. In Walleye, Quiltingsnatsch County. And Alice Munro's damn well going to tell us about it. 1. Starting With the Dream Sequence-ness. My mother, Serena Addlecrone, dreamt that she was a newly-wed again, looking out the window at the backyard of her childhood home in Walleye, Ontario—but something was wrong. She could recall that … Continue reading Alice Munro’s Kraft Dinner