Joy to the World, Unless You’re Dead

In which case, congratulations Merry Coronadays, readers! Are you dead yet? No? What’s holding you up, and what can I do to encourage you? Because the latest stats show that you should be, with a standard deviation of ±3 percentage points. Get with the program and do your part, so everyone can be right about … Continue reading Joy to the World, Unless You’re Dead

Lament of the Increasingly Irrelevant White Guy

(to be sung à la Woody Guthrie, in the key of "Mi, mi, mi, mi—MI!") I hate those PC leftiesOur freedom is destroyed By using a respectful wordDisgruntled white guys feel absurd What's wrong with good ol' English namesOur ancestors deployed? CHORUS: My daddy is a "Paki,"My mother is a "kike"My sister, she's a "cripple" … Continue reading Lament of the Increasingly Irrelevant White Guy

I’m Just So Very Much NOT Hysterical About Notre-Dame de Paris

Let's burn the rest of them down, too. Please—don't pray for us. YES, GENTLE READERS, TODAY'S THEME IS "disasters, real or imagined" and to kick off, I must apologize for my absence from these bloggy parts during the last few weeks. You know how much I crave your attention, and the very quickest among you … Continue reading I’m Just So Very Much NOT Hysterical About Notre-Dame de Paris

If I had any idea who Tucker Carlson was…

... I'd probably be ashamed to admit it. As I was lounging on my balcony this evening, listlessly picking at the plate of shoestring potatoes I'd prepared for myself, and watching the rainy wind plaster shredded pieces of tissue, and pages from NOW Magazine covered with pictures of naked women, and empty Cheetos bags onto … Continue reading If I had any idea who Tucker Carlson was…

How Much is a [Gay] Life Worth?

twenty-five years with the possibility of parole Bruce McArthur will be 91 when he is able to apply for parole. CREDIT: Pam Davies/CBC Bruce McArthur, the serial killer who targeted gay men in Toronto from 2010 to 2017 — yes, for eight years — and who evaded capture even after being brought in for questioning as a suspect in 2013, … Continue reading How Much is a [Gay] Life Worth?

This is How You Blackmail Jeff Bezos, Guys

DEAR MR. BEZOS: YEAH, SO. JUST READ the descriptions of those pics the National Enquirer got their hands on, and should Amazon customers see them — which would clearly be in their best interest — they would, quite frankly, question your business judgment. I certainly do! I do also have just a few really quite minor suggestions about your … Continue reading This is How You Blackmail Jeff Bezos, Guys

Keep your kids, like. Ignorcent?! (TM) with Dug-Up Ford and Susan Dreamy, D.D.

Hi, I'm like, Susan Dreamy?  D.D?  That's Doctress of Dreaminess, OK?  And I'm here today to help you live a dreamy, Life?  Also to talk to you about the things that are really, really, Like, important?  OK?  So let's get, like, started? So Dug-Up Ford and like, the Conservatives in Ontario, have, like. Your kids best interests. At … Continue reading Keep your kids, like. Ignorcent?! (TM) with Dug-Up Ford and Susan Dreamy, D.D.

Planting little kisses all over my face in the mirror…

I mean, normally that's YOUR job, gentle and misguided reader.  But I'll give you the day off from following my EULA to the very letter.   You deserve this not for any action on your part - puhLEEEASE! - but  because I have triumphed over the forces of darkness that have been swirling around my ankles … Continue reading Planting little kisses all over my face in the mirror…