Dollarama Wildflowers

The seeds are as tiny as poppy seeds, even tinier, like specks of dust, packaged in a homely, large-economy-size type box. I would say it is roughly the size of a box of Cow Brand Baking Soda. It’s called “Wildflower Mix” and it’s an impulse purchase from my local Dollarama, the twenty-first century equivalent of Woolworth’s, … Continue reading Dollarama Wildflowers

It’s Official: I Am a Horrible Person

Hey, it's you guys who insisted on thinking of me as "nice." SOMETHING HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIT sixty, or, to make this as painfully specific as possible, the last couple of months of sixty-four-ness. That's right. On September 21st, 2020, I will officially be sixty-five years old. And what happens is me, unmoored. I've cut … Continue reading It’s Official: I Am a Horrible Person

The insider secrets of my fabulous life! #1 in an unending series +PLUS+ Luxury Hack #5,304: Make your Infinity Tub into a FREE Jacuzzi!

Fabulous Life Insider Secret #1:  Foam bath with acolyte.   Quick summary for the ADHD set: Feeling stressed? Have yourself a foam bath attended by one of your acolytes! Yeah, that's it.  Aren't you just kicking yourself and/or smacking yourself in the forehead with your open palm as you realize how this obvious solution was staring you right … Continue reading The insider secrets of my fabulous life! #1 in an unending series +PLUS+ Luxury Hack #5,304: Make your Infinity Tub into a FREE Jacuzzi!

Memory Lane, c/o The Little Cottage with the Delphiniums, Cabbagetown, Toronto.

Yes, it's nostalgia time here at slowpainful dot com, and this of course means I'm going to fob you off with repurposed material.  Never, and believe me when I say it, NEVER forget how good I am to you. The first barrel of crude comes courtesy of, you guessed it, my fracking source of choice for black, sticky narcissism, Facebook. … Continue reading Memory Lane, c/o The Little Cottage with the Delphiniums, Cabbagetown, Toronto.

Social Awareness: The Day, The Ribbon, The Sorrow

You may be wondering. I know you may be wondering because you've been texting me  "???'" repeatedly since two this morning when I didn't respond in under a nanosecond to your message consisting of "Sup?" Well, "sup" is, to my chagrin, National "Walk-In-Front-of-David-Reeeaaal-Slowly-with-a-Cane-While-Being-Elderly" Day.  Which will explain why I didn't make our afternoon hook-up where you wanted both of us to … Continue reading Social Awareness: The Day, The Ribbon, The Sorrow

I hope your autograph book is back from the cleaners

It's a week since I reached the heady milestone of 10 "likes" and 10 followers on this blog, and you can bet your sweet patooty that life will never be the same again. I'm sure the only reason that I'm still able to leave my apartment unmolested – an act whose desirability leaves me somewhat conflicted, what with … Continue reading I hope your autograph book is back from the cleaners

I’m sorry if this makes it even worse to be you. But hey.

Dear followers, newcomers, and any assorted white trash who may have accidentally stumbled on this blog while searching hysterically for information about "crystal meth use lumps back of neck": As much as I hate to rub your face in it, it's, like, totally awesome? To be me? Today's manifestation of that hard, unavoidable fact is my lovely … Continue reading I’m sorry if this makes it even worse to be you. But hey.