https://youtu.be/X1zFnyEe3nE I'VE BEEN FEELING MIGHTY GUILTY about taking a little summer staycation in my hot, moist hometown of Toronto, Canada—a city of cheap condos that rain sheets of glass curtain wall onto the bed of a lake that evaporated ten thousand years ago—because, as I swelter in my kinky Mormon undergarments that I purchased second … Continue reading A quiet staycation in my personal psychiatric ward
an instructional interlude Dear valued visitors and followers: This is the content of a new page, accessible from the main menu (above) and let's everyone wish it a very warm welcome. I wanted regular and new readers to know it exists, to draw your attention to it (me), to be encouraged to read it, and … Continue reading How to Read my Blog:
a trip to the mall yields a gift from the gods of chance "North York," Illustration by David Roddis. Photo credits: ethan johnson/roman mager/victor xok/antoine dautry via unsplash SATURDAY: AN EX-ROOMMATE DROPS BY with a friend who’s in town to see the Raptors play. (I’m not sure, but I think the Raptors are some kind of … Continue reading Synchroni-City
Sorry to SHOUT BUT I'M REALLY EXCITED! Oh, fuck I started SHOUTING AGAIN BUT I CAN'T HELP IT! Really, really sorry about my lack of control. But it's not every day that you PUBLISH A PAPERBACK !!!. Oh, god. This is really embarrassing. Just try to bear with me as I tell you a little … Continue reading We have PAPERBACK! + REVIEW offer
Toronto's PRIDE 2017 celebrated diversity and inclusion. Yet some people—even some gay men—still think that's a shame. Men, men, men! Not a flicker of humor in a back room full of us! Forever shooting our wads, then rolling away from the damp spot and falling asleep; forever forgetting that ejaculation is for Christmas, but a snuggle … Continue reading In Defence of Deviance
Inspired and bemused by the plethora of misquotes and wrong attributions online, I've retaliated with this set of non-existent quotes by everyone's favorite sacred cow. My Gandhi Collection tees will leave you and your friends feeling enlightened—yet confused. These heart-stoppingly beautiful tees with my original "quotes" and design are totally up-snappable @$29 CAD + shipping. … Continue reading Gandhi Tees Are Here!
Willy Arschfecken*, unemployed bricklayer, shares the results of his five-minute study of offshore accounts at the World Economic Summit, Brussels. Yes, like the sprouts. Nobel prize winners stunned by presentation; "Who knew?" says Chairman of World Economic Summit, Brussels. (Yes, like the sprouts.) BRUSSELS¹: Unemployed bricklayer Wilhelm “Willy” Arschfecken stunned the World Economic Summit today … Continue reading Five-minute study reveals: Allowing rich people to launder money, avoid taxes by hiding assets in offshore accounts, while vacuuming up entitlements like they were all-dressed crinkle-cut potato chips, actually ISN’T a great thing after all.
Fabulous Life Insider Secret #1: Foam bath with acolyte. Quick summary for the ADHD set: Feeling stressed? Have yourself a foam bath attended by one of your acolytes! Yeah, that's it. Aren't you just kicking yourself and/or smacking yourself in the forehead with your open palm as you realize how this obvious solution was staring you right … Continue reading The insider secrets of my fabulous life! #1 in an unending series +PLUS+ Luxury Hack #5,304: Make your Infinity Tub into a FREE Jacuzzi!
Those of you, dear readers, who at least occasionally poke your wizened little old man's heads out of the tortoiseshells of your narcissism may have noticed, with varying degrees of disinterest, that something strange has happened to my URL. And no, "URL" has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction, and while we're on the subject, stop texting … Continue reading Naked Launch (slowpainful.com)!
Dorothy Parker (1893-1967): 'If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.' Fun Facts about Dorothy Parker For those of you for whom history begins with the appearance of Lady Gaga, allow me to explain - and please, do continue texting in the meantime, that's so … Continue reading In which I can’t think of anything to write so I spin my wheels by spouting off about something, like, totally?!? random?!??