Office completely empty of staff in shock as shoe drops
In a strongly-worded message to the remaining four people on staff at Twitter, Elon Musk, who agreed to buy the company, tried to wiggle out of buying the company when he saw something shinier, then was forced to buy the company or be sent to bed without din-dins, outlined the dire straits that the company was in now that Elon Musk had taken over the reins.
“The news is not good,” he began, in what Sandra, the lady who brings the cart around with the hand sanitizer, characterized as “understatement of the year.”
“This company was unprofitable, just barely afloat on investments, and now what with inflation and everything it had morphed into a black hole for money. All it had was brand equity and trust! Whatever that is!
“But ever since this Elon Musk got his greasy little hands on it, it’s in total chaos—especially after his recent oopsie where he told everyone they could just pay eight dollars and be automatically verified as being who they said they were! Are you kidding me?
“This Elon Musk dude must have been living in an underground parking lot not to have realized that jokesters and bad actors would jump at the chance to poke fun and sow disinformation all over the place! You can’t have people verify themselves! How does this guy tie his shoelaces without help?
“I mean, what was he thinking? He even got warned about it, but jeezus, ignored the experts. Mr Know-It-All-Entrepreneur! Now no one is clear whether you need a blue tick, a grey tick, a sort of greyish-blue tick, a tick that’s Twitter blue and a middle finger emoji, an icon of a grey vulture and a Lyme disease tick, or whatever. Even I can’t make any sense of it so I’m sending this message from my email account which I’ve clearly marked “parody”, whatever that means.
“Advertisers are leaving in droves so their brands don’t get tarnished, and this Elon Musk is so totally working twenty-four-seven Purolatoring free insulin kits on behalf of Eli Lilley and amplifying conspiracy theories, he doesn’t even have time to fine-tune his business plan.
“So far he’s got: take it private, fire the Board, fire the staff, alienate users, then block them, re-hire the staff—! He left out the most important part: Keep throwing money at it until it fails. Oh yeah, and since advertising revenue is basically all that’s keeping Twitter alive, let’s kill the brand equity and trust thing. Who told this bozo he was a business whiz? He couldn’t make a profit on a lemonade stand!
“All right, time to do some boss stuff before that Elon Musk ruins anything else. Here’s the deal: Sandra with the hand sanitizer, you’re no longer able to work from home, and, let’s see, Andrew, Tim and Sam, same to you, and now that you’re here—you’re umm, fired I guess. I dunno. Isn’t that what total C-suite executives do?
“OK, then! Back to work, Sandra, assuming that’s actually you! And if you see Elon Musk skulking around, just be aware that he’s not verified, and maybe tell him to go back to doing what he knows best, which is being a political king-maker and making cars that crash without a driver. Jeezus, the stock just went down four percent!”
Sandra, the lady who brings the cart around with the hand sanitizer, rolled her eyes. “Cars that crash without a driver? We already have those, dude!” she muttered. “Didn’t you do your SWOT analysis?”
Elon Musk is now rumored to be in discussion with Marjorie Taylor Greene, or maybe it isn’t, who knows, on a complete rebranding of the beleaguered company, which will feature her campaign for the Presidency in 2024 and, in a further attempt to save costs, will simply be called “Twit”, with an AK-15 icon in red and a dead American eagle in blue-grey.
With a tick. Or maybe not.