Facebook Life Event # 738: Did Totally The Same Kinds of Things I’ve Done Before.

Today, I did totally the same kinds of things I’ve done before. Whoah, deep breaths! This one’s gonna be a game-changer!

I started my day with coffee and a cigarette. As you can imagine, I was so pumped, coffee was sloshing in my cup like I was Kate Winslet in the final CGI-generated moments of “Titanic”! My heart, and totally the same kinds of things I’ve done before, will go on!

Getting down to business, I systematically didn’t change my opinions, my narcissism, my obsessions, my eating habits, my job, my spending, my skills or the type of people I hang out with.

Hashtag sweating buckets! This self-improvement boondoggle better be worth it! LOL!

Around tea time, and checking in with each kind of same sort of thing I’ve done before, I braced myself for the tsunami of wonderful that would wash away the run-down native shacks of my misfortune and replace them with, like, a Hyatt Regency Shock Doctrine Luxury Condo filled to its cathedral ceiling with all the things I’ve deserved for far, far too long.

Yeah, fat chance, right?

You’re not gonna believe this, but life has fucked me sideways with a Martha Stewart Stick Blender YET AGAIN. So much for that huge investment of time and resources. I would give my right arm for those ten minutes back, except it’s totally busy doing totally the same kinds of right-hand things.

Still like the final moments of “Titanic” around here, but instead of channeling Kate Winslet and her no-nonsense, edgy glamor, I’ve been suckered with Leo DiCaprio.

Great. Not only frozen to death on a life boat, I missed dessert and look like a 16-year-old cross-dressed lesbian. Thanks, God! Hashtag total sarcasm!

I dunno. It’s like, Fate has singled me out for a cold Big Mac, on a stale bun, served with the wrong pickle, that chili sauce that burns my lips, and a side of e coli.

Take it from me. Life just SUCKS.

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