Yes, friends. It’s time for : GAY WALK OF SHAME # 47

Heads up!  Male camel-toe alert...
Heads up! Male camel-toe alert…

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury:  I give you Exhibit A.  And I know what you’re thinking:

With finely-draped plaid shorts like these, those ketchup-stained, armpit-hiked old-age trousers from Gap are all but inevitable;

There is incipient male camel-toe, that little-mentioned yet classic mark of future whoredom, apparent in the saggy yet suggestively prominent v-marked crotch;

And my contr’apposto, that flirty, toe-twirling-in-the-dirt stance native to coquettish pretty boys from Donatello’s “David” onward, needs polish.

But here’s what I’m most bitter about, and mark me well :  This is apparently the one, brief, snapshot-length moment in the sum total of my wretched life when I had 1. no glasses, 2. total self-assurance, albeit pathetically unwarranted, and 3. interesting hair.

Interesting blond hair.

Oh my fur and whiskers. Youth is wasted on the pre-pubescent.

And now, a quiz!

1.  Which of the following items did my mother buy me during my high-school years?

a.  Hot pants
b.  Leopard-print bikini briefs
c.  My first paisley shirt with contrasting blue dickey
d.  The kind of black toe-rubbers usually worn by just-ordained Presbyterian ministers.
e.  All of the above.
f.  All of the above plus skin-tight polyester maroon bell-bottoms and matching skin-tight floral shirt.

2.  Which of the following did I perform at “Show and Tell”, Grades 3 through 6, at King Street Public School, Whitby, Ontario?

a.  “The Trolley Song”, from “Meet Me in St Louis”.
b.  “Rose’s Turn” from “Gypsy”, in which a embittered stage mother has a melt-down about her wasted life.
c. Shelley Berman’s night-club routine about a guy on the phone trying in vain to convince a department store that there’s someone about to jump from a window ledge.
d.  Shelley Berman’s night-club routine about an alcoholic with a severe hangover who learns, among other things, that he threw the host’s cat through their picture window at some point during the previous evening.
e.  “You Gotta Have a Gimmick”, in which three sleazy burlesque girls sing about and demonstrate their unique strip-tease routines
f.  Yes.

Send in the correct answer to both of these – f – and enjoy – well, nothing really.  The satisfaction of knowing? A great, big superior smirk?  You choose.

<Booming radio announcer’s voice>:  This has been GAY WALK OF SHAME #47.

Where are they now?
My Grade 5 teacher, Mrs Sidor – weirdly, an anagram of my name – is currently in her twilight years in Whitby Psychiatric Hospital.  She doesn’t really appreciate flowers. Or Broadway shows.

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